1. People to hang out with. For a while, I told myself that I missed "having friends," but that's not the right way of putting it. I do have friends. They're just in Austin. Or New Mexico. Or Washington D.C. Or Colorado. Or Lubbock. Or even downtown, maybe 45 minutes away, where I really just don't feel like driving sometimes. Facebook and texting don't cut it sometimes. I wouldn't move back into a dorm if you paid me, but I do miss walking through my neighbor's propped-open door on the way to the bathroom and leaving two hours later.
2. Places to hang out. There's the Starbucks on 407, the Starbucks in the Barnes and Noble (where I work now, btw), and...that's it. Everything else in a ten-mile radius is restaurants and retail shops. Last night, I was talking to a friend I made at work (not to contradict #1), and we decided that since neither of us was hungry, we'd just get together another time. Also, everything closes at or before 10:00 p.m.
3. Privacy. Or maybe "independence" is a better word for it. My parents like to know where I am and vaguely what I'm doing every time I leave the house. It sounds overprotective, but really, the alternative is me just walking out the door without saying a word. With a roommate, you can say "I'll be back" and take off without anything being made of it. With parents, it's just a different dynamic - "Where are you going?" is as natural to them as saying "Good morning," even if they're just being conversational about it. I miss feeling free to do my own thing, I guess.
4. Purpose. I've said it before, I'll say it again, because I still believe it - this is the first year of my life that hasn't been planned out for me since the day I was born. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college...??? A college degree was my ultimate goal for about sixteen years, and now that I've got it, I feel like I'm living day to day. I need something to look forward to, something to work toward. I'm tired of just surviving.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hmm
maybe we're at a point where work isn't going to make us happy. i agree with what you said about following your dreams just not making sense after a while - it's hard enough to find any job right now, let alone one that you genuinely want to do. i doubt many people can boast that, anyway. i've been feeling kinda low lately, and i've been attributing it all to unemployment. it's true that not having anything to do all day gets old, but it's not like picking up a minimum-wage job around town or, God forbid, a full-time position is gonna fix everything. seems like all we can do is find a way to make some money and then find fulfillment somewhere else. i've been working on figuring out how to do that lately.
Monday, October 18, 2010
How David Wong Sees The World
David Wong is the editor of Cracked.com and the author of the horror-comedy novel John Dies at the End. His Cracked articles are a little more philosophical than their average fare; deliberately or not, they reveal a lot about how he sees the world. His views are pretty interesting - they synthesize into a pretty cohesive whole more than I agree with them, but I'm starting to agree with them more than I'd admit to myself. You'll see what I mean.
7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable
http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html
Sample Quote:
"An insult is just someone who hates you making a noise to indicate their hatred. A barking dog. Criticism is someone trying to help you, by telling you something about yourself that you were a little too comfortable not knowing. Tragically, there are now a whole lot of people who never have those conversations. The interventions, the brutal honesty, the, "you know, everybody's pissed off because of what you said last night, but nobody wants to say anything because they're afraid of you," sort of conversations...E-mail and texting are awesome tools for avoiding that level of honesty."
The 10 Most Important Things They Didn't Teach You In School
http://www.cracked.com/article_18611_the-10-most-important-things-they-didnt-teach-you-in-school.html
Sample Quote:
"Some of you guys who grew up on The Matrix still fantasize about beating the shit out of a street full of thugs in a fight that looks like a choreographed dance. Oh, there are guys out there capable of kicking ass. They're called criminals. They're good at fighting because they have poor impulse control and anger management, and thus are constantly getting into fights. If you, on the other hand, are going to be civilized and successful parents and homeowners and taxpayers, the odds are overwhelming you will not ever be good at fighting."
How 'The Karate Kid' Ruined The Modern World
http://www.cracked.com/article_18544_how-the-karate-kid-ruined-modern-world.html
Sample Quote:
"We have a vague idea in our head of the 'price' of certain accomplishments, how difficult it should be to get a degree, or succeed at a job, or stay in shape, or raise a kid, or build a house. And that vague idea is almost always catastrophically wrong."
5 Reasons The Future Will Be Ruled By B.S.
http://www.cracked.com/article_18817_5-reasons-future-will-be-ruled-by-b.s..html
Sample Quote:
"Next to my water is a green bottle of Excedrin. Sure, the generic store brand is identical right down to the molecule, but I paid twice as much for the name brand because this is Excedrin here. The Headache Medicine. It's sitting on top of a statement from the bank showing where they automatically deducted my mortgage payment... for a $5.00 'transaction fee.'"
7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable
http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html
Sample Quote:
"An insult is just someone who hates you making a noise to indicate their hatred. A barking dog. Criticism is someone trying to help you, by telling you something about yourself that you were a little too comfortable not knowing. Tragically, there are now a whole lot of people who never have those conversations. The interventions, the brutal honesty, the, "you know, everybody's pissed off because of what you said last night, but nobody wants to say anything because they're afraid of you," sort of conversations...E-mail and texting are awesome tools for avoiding that level of honesty."
The 10 Most Important Things They Didn't Teach You In School
http://www.cracked.com/article_18611_the-10-most-important-things-they-didnt-teach-you-in-school.html
Sample Quote:
"Some of you guys who grew up on The Matrix still fantasize about beating the shit out of a street full of thugs in a fight that looks like a choreographed dance. Oh, there are guys out there capable of kicking ass. They're called criminals. They're good at fighting because they have poor impulse control and anger management, and thus are constantly getting into fights. If you, on the other hand, are going to be civilized and successful parents and homeowners and taxpayers, the odds are overwhelming you will not ever be good at fighting."
How 'The Karate Kid' Ruined The Modern World
http://www.cracked.com/article_18544_how-the-karate-kid-ruined-modern-world.html
Sample Quote:
"We have a vague idea in our head of the 'price' of certain accomplishments, how difficult it should be to get a degree, or succeed at a job, or stay in shape, or raise a kid, or build a house. And that vague idea is almost always catastrophically wrong."
5 Reasons The Future Will Be Ruled By B.S.
http://www.cracked.com/article_18817_5-reasons-future-will-be-ruled-by-b.s..html
Sample Quote:
"Next to my water is a green bottle of Excedrin. Sure, the generic store brand is identical right down to the molecule, but I paid twice as much for the name brand because this is Excedrin here. The Headache Medicine. It's sitting on top of a statement from the bank showing where they automatically deducted my mortgage payment... for a $5.00 'transaction fee.'"
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Breakthrough?
I feel like it's okay to complain about being unemployed as long as you're detached about it. Everyone needs to blow off steam once in a while. Students bitch about how much homework they have; people in the workforce spend Friday nights drinking beer and trading bad-boss stories. It's natural. Likewise, I can tell a story about how I've followed up on my Tom-Thumb-Starbucks-kiosk application six times and have yet to meet the hiring manager, and as long as it's a funny story, no harm no foul. But when I start getting bent out of shape about it — when a student really gets pissed that he has to do all this goddamn studying, or when an employee genuinely resents having to show up at 9:00 every morning — that's a line that's hard to drift back across.
I'm getting bitter. I'm becoming a person that I don't necessarily like. In college, I finally came into my own as a person - I developed this persona of quiet, laid-back confidence. And even if it was an act sometimes, I liked being that guy. My friends liked that guy. Even a couple girls liked that guy. But now, being home, not having anyone to talk to or hang out with, not having anything to do or anywhere to go all day, I'm just getting...bitter.
I don't know how to come back from it. I'm trying to find ways to stay positive, but no dice so far. I'm afraid that I might be pushing away the friends that I do have - I've been very negative lately, and not in the I'm-just-having-a-bad-day way. I feel like I'm a downer to be around and to talk to. And seeing how I'm trying to make friends around here, that's not necessarily the best way to go about it.
I'm getting bitter. I'm becoming a person that I don't necessarily like. In college, I finally came into my own as a person - I developed this persona of quiet, laid-back confidence. And even if it was an act sometimes, I liked being that guy. My friends liked that guy. Even a couple girls liked that guy. But now, being home, not having anyone to talk to or hang out with, not having anything to do or anywhere to go all day, I'm just getting...bitter.
I don't know how to come back from it. I'm trying to find ways to stay positive, but no dice so far. I'm afraid that I might be pushing away the friends that I do have - I've been very negative lately, and not in the I'm-just-having-a-bad-day way. I feel like I'm a downer to be around and to talk to. And seeing how I'm trying to make friends around here, that's not necessarily the best way to go about it.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Scenario
Picture this.
You're at a restaurant. You've just sat down, you haven't even gotten your water yet, when you spot a girl on the other side of the room. Now, you've never believed in love at first sight. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you're stressed from work. Maybe the last twenty minutes of "You've Got Mail" that you caught on cable last night pushed your brain past the limit of how much bullshit the media can pump in before it starts believing in it a little. But you see this girl, and in the snap of a finger, you just know she's supposed to be an important part of your life.
Problem is, she's leaving - she's already halfway to the door, in fact. Without conscious thought you stand up to intercept her. "Hi," you say.
"Hi," she says back. She's confused but not scared or irritated. You offer your name, she tells you hers. Then, she says, "What can I do for you?"
Only now do you realize how absurd what you're trying to do really is. It makes sense in your head, but you can't bring yourself to say it out loud. What you manage is, "I--I just saw you. From over there, that's my table. I saw you leaving, and--can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime?"
She smiles. Looks down. Looks back up at you. "Are you for real?"
"I think so."
A pause. You haven't come off as aggressive, threatening, or cocky, so a flat-out "no" would seem a little harsh. On the other hand, she's literally been aware of your existence on this planet for less than twenty seconds. You watch these thoughts play out on her face like a movie. She smiles again, but it's a different smile. "Sell yourself," she says.
For a second you think she's talking about money. "I'm sorry?"
"Sell yourself to me. Like an elevator pitch. You want to get coffee with me. I don't know why, but you do. But you haven't given me a reason to want to get coffee with you yet." She looks you in the eye. "Convince me you're someone I want to know. You've got sixty seconds. Go."
What do you say?
You're at a restaurant. You've just sat down, you haven't even gotten your water yet, when you spot a girl on the other side of the room. Now, you've never believed in love at first sight. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you're stressed from work. Maybe the last twenty minutes of "You've Got Mail" that you caught on cable last night pushed your brain past the limit of how much bullshit the media can pump in before it starts believing in it a little. But you see this girl, and in the snap of a finger, you just know she's supposed to be an important part of your life.
Problem is, she's leaving - she's already halfway to the door, in fact. Without conscious thought you stand up to intercept her. "Hi," you say.
"Hi," she says back. She's confused but not scared or irritated. You offer your name, she tells you hers. Then, she says, "What can I do for you?"
Only now do you realize how absurd what you're trying to do really is. It makes sense in your head, but you can't bring yourself to say it out loud. What you manage is, "I--I just saw you. From over there, that's my table. I saw you leaving, and--can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime?"
She smiles. Looks down. Looks back up at you. "Are you for real?"
"I think so."
A pause. You haven't come off as aggressive, threatening, or cocky, so a flat-out "no" would seem a little harsh. On the other hand, she's literally been aware of your existence on this planet for less than twenty seconds. You watch these thoughts play out on her face like a movie. She smiles again, but it's a different smile. "Sell yourself," she says.
For a second you think she's talking about money. "I'm sorry?"
"Sell yourself to me. Like an elevator pitch. You want to get coffee with me. I don't know why, but you do. But you haven't given me a reason to want to get coffee with you yet." She looks you in the eye. "Convince me you're someone I want to know. You've got sixty seconds. Go."
What do you say?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Journalism
I'm getting really interested in investigative journalism lately? I read a lot online over the break about Edward R. Murrow, See It Now, how he called McCarthy out on all his bullshit, etc., even listened to some of his old WWII radio broadcasts. Today, on a whim between classes, I checked out "All the President's Men" (Woodward and Bernstein's book about Watergate) and am about 50 pages into it already. Cool stuff.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Let's get personal
I didn't get into ACE, just like I suspected.
The thing is, though, despite what I said before--I really thought I had a shot. I thought there was no way in hell they'd even give me an interview, and they did. It didn't go great, but I thought it went well enough that I might still have been able to pull it off. I started thinking about everything I've done well - Plan II, my GPA, my application essays, the RA thing, etc., and I dared to believe that maybe I wasn't giving myself enough credit. It wasn't a sure thing, by any means, but I really thought I had a 50/50 shot at getting in.
Once again, I've come up just short - I made it two rounds into TFA before they cut me, and I reached the final stage of ACE, too. Getting rejected outright might have been easier on me.
There's more to this story, though. Notre Dame was my top choice for undergrad - it was the first college I visited during junior year of high school, and I fell in love with the campus and the atmosphere. Two of my really good friends (Brian and Jamie) went there, and it would have been great to follow in their footsteps. I applied early acceptance, got deferred, and then got rejected on April 1st.
I guess I saw ACE as my second chance, the possibility of redemption. I visited Katherine up there in January and got taken in all over again. People are just friendlier up there than they are at UT. Maybe it's something in the water. Walking around, I really could have seen myself as a student there. I got excited again.
When I got the e-mail this afternoon, I cried for the first time in seven years. I got choked up when I was saying goodbye to my mom freshman year, and I teared up at my cousin's wedding, but I haven't had a good cry since freshman year of high school. I was sitting in the Quad studying for my midterm tomorrow morning (oh yeah...), checking my e-mail on my iPhone every two minutes, and when it came, I started shaking so bad I spilled my coffee. It's been a stressful couple weeks, so maybe it was coming anyway, but I'd forgotten how good it feels to just sob. I made it back to my apartment before that started happening, at least.
So, yeah. Post-graduation plans are back to square one.
The thing is, though, despite what I said before--I really thought I had a shot. I thought there was no way in hell they'd even give me an interview, and they did. It didn't go great, but I thought it went well enough that I might still have been able to pull it off. I started thinking about everything I've done well - Plan II, my GPA, my application essays, the RA thing, etc., and I dared to believe that maybe I wasn't giving myself enough credit. It wasn't a sure thing, by any means, but I really thought I had a 50/50 shot at getting in.
Once again, I've come up just short - I made it two rounds into TFA before they cut me, and I reached the final stage of ACE, too. Getting rejected outright might have been easier on me.
There's more to this story, though. Notre Dame was my top choice for undergrad - it was the first college I visited during junior year of high school, and I fell in love with the campus and the atmosphere. Two of my really good friends (Brian and Jamie) went there, and it would have been great to follow in their footsteps. I applied early acceptance, got deferred, and then got rejected on April 1st.
I guess I saw ACE as my second chance, the possibility of redemption. I visited Katherine up there in January and got taken in all over again. People are just friendlier up there than they are at UT. Maybe it's something in the water. Walking around, I really could have seen myself as a student there. I got excited again.
When I got the e-mail this afternoon, I cried for the first time in seven years. I got choked up when I was saying goodbye to my mom freshman year, and I teared up at my cousin's wedding, but I haven't had a good cry since freshman year of high school. I was sitting in the Quad studying for my midterm tomorrow morning (oh yeah...), checking my e-mail on my iPhone every two minutes, and when it came, I started shaking so bad I spilled my coffee. It's been a stressful couple weeks, so maybe it was coming anyway, but I'd forgotten how good it feels to just sob. I made it back to my apartment before that started happening, at least.
So, yeah. Post-graduation plans are back to square one.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Future
Still don't know what I'm doing in three months, but I know what I'm not doing. Teach For America didn't offer me a final interview. ACE still hasn't gotten back to me, but I don't have high hopes for that one anymore. I took the GRE in September, never got my results, called, still didn't get them, called again, still didn't get them. I ended up sending my scores up to Notre Dame without ever having seen them. Finally got them in the mail yesterday, and they're--abysmal. The ACE office is probably gonna laugh and toss my application in the trash. I can't even blame 'em.
I'm more okay with these developments than I thought I'd be. Knowing that I tried to help save the world is just as morally uplifting as spending two years doing it.
I feel like I've spent my entire life with people just a little bit better than me. As great a school as Cistercian is, I was in the bottom half of my class for six years. I'm doing okay at UT, but because I'm in Plan II, the "elite" are still the only people I know - they're smarter than I am, they write better than I do, they're cleverer than I am. Not by a lot, but by enough for it to matter.
That's why I like copy editing so much, I think. I KNOW grammar. It's my forte, it's what I'm good at. People ask me questions and I shoot the answer back without looking up from the Wikipedia article I'm reading. I can plow through eight RIM stories in an hour, and when I'm done, you can scriptset that shit. I make mistakes, sure, but 99% of them come from carelessness, not ignorance. The confidence I feel when I'm adding commas and em dashes and restructuring sentences is something I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.
So--that's what I want to do with my life. Not copy editing, per se, but something where I'm not second-guessing myself on a daily basis. TFA and ACE take the best of the best, and even if I eke my way in, it'll just be more of the same. I'll still be busting my ass to break into the middle of the pack while the guy in front exudes apathetic arrogance and talks about how EASY everything is.
I guess I just want to be that guy. For once.
I'm more okay with these developments than I thought I'd be. Knowing that I tried to help save the world is just as morally uplifting as spending two years doing it.
I feel like I've spent my entire life with people just a little bit better than me. As great a school as Cistercian is, I was in the bottom half of my class for six years. I'm doing okay at UT, but because I'm in Plan II, the "elite" are still the only people I know - they're smarter than I am, they write better than I do, they're cleverer than I am. Not by a lot, but by enough for it to matter.
That's why I like copy editing so much, I think. I KNOW grammar. It's my forte, it's what I'm good at. People ask me questions and I shoot the answer back without looking up from the Wikipedia article I'm reading. I can plow through eight RIM stories in an hour, and when I'm done, you can scriptset that shit. I make mistakes, sure, but 99% of them come from carelessness, not ignorance. The confidence I feel when I'm adding commas and em dashes and restructuring sentences is something I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.
So--that's what I want to do with my life. Not copy editing, per se, but something where I'm not second-guessing myself on a daily basis. TFA and ACE take the best of the best, and even if I eke my way in, it'll just be more of the same. I'll still be busting my ass to break into the middle of the pack while the guy in front exudes apathetic arrogance and talks about how EASY everything is.
I guess I just want to be that guy. For once.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Salinger
I went through my J.D. Salinger phase junior and senior year of high school. I liked Franny and Zooey way better than Catcher in the Rye, though, and Nine Stories best of all. I even wrote a ten-page research paper on the Glass family (whose names I can still rattle off - Les, Bessie, Seymour, Buddy, Boo Boo, Walt, Waker, Zooey, Franny).
The best part about coming home is grabbing a book at random off the shelf in my room, opening it to a similarly random page, and plowing in. I can do that for hours, and I often do. I reread a couple of the stories from Nine Stories last night. I enjoyed them well enough. I still think Salinger's a good author, but he's not my favorite anymore. Couldn't tell you why; he's just not.
His dedications still crack me up, though. Here's the one to Franny and Zooey:
"As nearly as possible in the spirit of Matthew Salinger, age one, urging a luncheon companion to accept a cool lima bean, I urge my editor, mentor and (heaven help him) closest friend, William Shawn, genus domus of The New Yorker, lover of the long shot, protector of the unprolific, defender of the hopelessly flamboyant, most unreasonably modest of born great artist-editors, to accept this pretty skimpy-looking book."
And here's the one to Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction:
"If there is an amateur reader still left in the world--or anybody who just reads and runs--I ask him or her, with untellable affection and gratitude, to split the dedication of this book four ways with my wife and children."
The best part about coming home is grabbing a book at random off the shelf in my room, opening it to a similarly random page, and plowing in. I can do that for hours, and I often do. I reread a couple of the stories from Nine Stories last night. I enjoyed them well enough. I still think Salinger's a good author, but he's not my favorite anymore. Couldn't tell you why; he's just not.
His dedications still crack me up, though. Here's the one to Franny and Zooey:
"As nearly as possible in the spirit of Matthew Salinger, age one, urging a luncheon companion to accept a cool lima bean, I urge my editor, mentor and (heaven help him) closest friend, William Shawn, genus domus of The New Yorker, lover of the long shot, protector of the unprolific, defender of the hopelessly flamboyant, most unreasonably modest of born great artist-editors, to accept this pretty skimpy-looking book."
And here's the one to Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction:
"If there is an amateur reader still left in the world--or anybody who just reads and runs--I ask him or her, with untellable affection and gratitude, to split the dedication of this book four ways with my wife and children."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Status
Updating your Facebook status is the quintessential path to instant gratification. Feeling lonely? Send a quote, an inside joke, an offhand observation, or a gripe out into the void, and nine times out of ten, you'll get a couple "likes" and a sympathetic comment or two within an hour. It doesn't matter that they're usually from people who'd forgotten you exist until it popped up in their minifeed. It's human contact, it's validation, and sometimes, that's all you wanted.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Winter Break '09: To-do list
To-do list for Winter Break '09:
-Apply to Teach for America. Deadline is January 8th, so I still have some time.
-Apply to ACE. The Alliance for Catholic Education is basically like TFA, except it's run through Notre Dame. It's a two-year commitment where you're teaching in Catholic schools during the year and taking classes to get a Master's in education over the summer. My mom found out about it when she was dropping Katherine off at college in August and has been pushing it ever since. It's a good deal and all, probably the better of the two, but I'm applying more to placate her than because it's what I really want to do. Eight years of Catholic school was enough, thanks.
-Finish the first draft of my thesis. We were supposed to have all sixty pages done by the end of the first semester, but I told my supervisor around mid-October that that just wasn't gonna happen. He laughed and said to do as much as I could. I submitted a fifteen-page story and a twenty-page story, but the second one is a complete do-over that I wrote in 36 hours so I'd have something to turn in. Coming up with ideas, brainstorming in my Moleskine, jotting down outlines are easy. Writing is the hard part. I have to learn to to silence my inner editor, to write crap knowing that it's crap, to get quantity down on paper and worry about turning it into quality later.
-Set up a move-in date / cable / electricity for my new apartment. Just a few phone calls I have to make. I'm moving out of Jefferson West into my own place at 37th & Speedway next semester, and that's all I care to say about that on the Internet.
-Hang out with Danny, Emily, Michelle, and others TBD. Now that I'm back in town for good, I can start making plans with people. Danny and Em are no-brainers; we keep missing each other when they visit Austin. And now that all but the closest of high-school relationships have faded out, I think we're at the point where "catching up" is enough of a reason to get together with anyone we ever knew, regardless of how close we were or how long it's been.
-Read. Just finished a book of short stories by Breece D'J Pancake and loved it. A lot. Colum McCann's new book is next. Ham on Rye, by Charles Bukowski, is after that. I like how I can read for fun as much as I want and chalk it up as thesis research.
-Watch movies. I've been keeping a list of movies I learned about in my film history class (shudder, long story for another day) all semester, and now it's time to rent 'em one by one and enjoy. A lot of it (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, for example, or Annie Hall) is stuff I'm kinda embarrassed to have not seen yet.
-Apply to grad school. Oh, yeah, that. It's a back-up option.
-Apply to Teach for America. Deadline is January 8th, so I still have some time.
-Apply to ACE. The Alliance for Catholic Education is basically like TFA, except it's run through Notre Dame. It's a two-year commitment where you're teaching in Catholic schools during the year and taking classes to get a Master's in education over the summer. My mom found out about it when she was dropping Katherine off at college in August and has been pushing it ever since. It's a good deal and all, probably the better of the two, but I'm applying more to placate her than because it's what I really want to do. Eight years of Catholic school was enough, thanks.
-Finish the first draft of my thesis. We were supposed to have all sixty pages done by the end of the first semester, but I told my supervisor around mid-October that that just wasn't gonna happen. He laughed and said to do as much as I could. I submitted a fifteen-page story and a twenty-page story, but the second one is a complete do-over that I wrote in 36 hours so I'd have something to turn in. Coming up with ideas, brainstorming in my Moleskine, jotting down outlines are easy. Writing is the hard part. I have to learn to to silence my inner editor, to write crap knowing that it's crap, to get quantity down on paper and worry about turning it into quality later.
-Set up a move-in date / cable / electricity for my new apartment. Just a few phone calls I have to make. I'm moving out of Jefferson West into my own place at 37th & Speedway next semester, and that's all I care to say about that on the Internet.
-Hang out with Danny, Emily, Michelle, and others TBD. Now that I'm back in town for good, I can start making plans with people. Danny and Em are no-brainers; we keep missing each other when they visit Austin. And now that all but the closest of high-school relationships have faded out, I think we're at the point where "catching up" is enough of a reason to get together with anyone we ever knew, regardless of how close we were or how long it's been.
-Read. Just finished a book of short stories by Breece D'J Pancake and loved it. A lot. Colum McCann's new book is next. Ham on Rye, by Charles Bukowski, is after that. I like how I can read for fun as much as I want and chalk it up as thesis research.
-Watch movies. I've been keeping a list of movies I learned about in my film history class (shudder, long story for another day) all semester, and now it's time to rent 'em one by one and enjoy. A lot of it (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, for example, or Annie Hall) is stuff I'm kinda embarrassed to have not seen yet.
-Apply to grad school. Oh, yeah, that. It's a back-up option.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Bunny
At home in Dallas for the night. Saw Bunny on the top of my bookcase and picked him up. Bunny and I were inseparable from before I started remembering things till longer after that than I'd care to admit. Took a second to wonder how things have gotten so complicated since losing him was the worst thing in the world and finding him again was the greatest.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Life
The past few days have been pretty representative of my life as a whole lately, for better or worse. Mostly worse, to be honest with you.
Skipped all my classes on Thursday. Classes, studying, tests, grades just aren't on my radar as much as they've been for as long as I can remember. Call it sleep deprivation, apathy, senioritis, whatever you want. I'm not failing anything, not even close, but I just can't bring myself to care like I used to. Maybe it's a good thing I'm taking a year or two off before grad school, if I even decide to take that route at all.
Got a text from my roommate Thursday night that they wanted to throw a bachelor party for one of their friends. I said it was fine with me, went home, packed a bag, and spent the night on Michael's couch. Pretty good night, too - watched Dark Knight on TV, went to Whataburger afterward. I feel like that's the kind of night I should be having a lot more often as a college senior, instead of locking myself in my room and plugging in my iPod to block out the stonerbabble from the living room. Got home Friday morning (well, afternoon) to find a hole kicked through the living room wall. About par for the course.
Friday night - found out this girl I've been talking with over the last couple weeks has a boyfriend. And this is after I spent 5 of my last 20 dine-in dollars on orange juice and soup because she was sick. That's the worst part.
Texan party Friday night was fun. Slept till three the next day. Not hungover, that's just a usual Saturday. Rest of the day--nothing exciting. Caught up with Lauren on Facebook chat and then the phone for a while. Also called Sean for the first time since he moved back to New Mexico. I didn't realize how much I'd taken hanging out with him for granted until he left. We talked for a good hour and a half while I wandered around West Campus. He's doing well enough, it seems like, so good for him. Got back to my place, tried to get together with a few different people, but no one was up for anything. I ended up going to Arab with Michael, though, which was a nice surprise. Not that I hung out with Michael, or that we went to Arab, just that plans fell into my lap for a change.
Sunday, up at 4, which is late even for me. Went to 7-11 for groceries. I need a car in the worst way. Work from 6-3. Hanging out with Stephen and Olivia on Sunday nights and the gang on Wednesday nights is starting to be the highlight of my social life, and that's really, really sad. I thought junior year was rough when everyone moved out of the dorm, but this year, everyone's moved out of Austin. Sean's in New Mexico, Danny's in Dallas, Emily's in Lubbock, Joe's in Houston, Paddy's in Florida. I mean, I saw this coming and all, but still. Too many work friends, class friends, Facebook friends. Not enough friend friends. Home at 3, couldn't sleep till 5, work at 8.
Happy Monday.
Skipped all my classes on Thursday. Classes, studying, tests, grades just aren't on my radar as much as they've been for as long as I can remember. Call it sleep deprivation, apathy, senioritis, whatever you want. I'm not failing anything, not even close, but I just can't bring myself to care like I used to. Maybe it's a good thing I'm taking a year or two off before grad school, if I even decide to take that route at all.
Got a text from my roommate Thursday night that they wanted to throw a bachelor party for one of their friends. I said it was fine with me, went home, packed a bag, and spent the night on Michael's couch. Pretty good night, too - watched Dark Knight on TV, went to Whataburger afterward. I feel like that's the kind of night I should be having a lot more often as a college senior, instead of locking myself in my room and plugging in my iPod to block out the stonerbabble from the living room. Got home Friday morning (well, afternoon) to find a hole kicked through the living room wall. About par for the course.
Friday night - found out this girl I've been talking with over the last couple weeks has a boyfriend. And this is after I spent 5 of my last 20 dine-in dollars on orange juice and soup because she was sick. That's the worst part.
Texan party Friday night was fun. Slept till three the next day. Not hungover, that's just a usual Saturday. Rest of the day--nothing exciting. Caught up with Lauren on Facebook chat and then the phone for a while. Also called Sean for the first time since he moved back to New Mexico. I didn't realize how much I'd taken hanging out with him for granted until he left. We talked for a good hour and a half while I wandered around West Campus. He's doing well enough, it seems like, so good for him. Got back to my place, tried to get together with a few different people, but no one was up for anything. I ended up going to Arab with Michael, though, which was a nice surprise. Not that I hung out with Michael, or that we went to Arab, just that plans fell into my lap for a change.
Sunday, up at 4, which is late even for me. Went to 7-11 for groceries. I need a car in the worst way. Work from 6-3. Hanging out with Stephen and Olivia on Sunday nights and the gang on Wednesday nights is starting to be the highlight of my social life, and that's really, really sad. I thought junior year was rough when everyone moved out of the dorm, but this year, everyone's moved out of Austin. Sean's in New Mexico, Danny's in Dallas, Emily's in Lubbock, Joe's in Houston, Paddy's in Florida. I mean, I saw this coming and all, but still. Too many work friends, class friends, Facebook friends. Not enough friend friends. Home at 3, couldn't sleep till 5, work at 8.
Happy Monday.
Friday, October 23, 2009
One of those nights
Class: 9:30 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Copy editing: 5:00 p.m. - 1:30 a.m. (ish)
Impromptu rooftop party on the roof of Walter Webb Hall, complete with accordion player: 1:30 a.m. - 3:00 a.m.
Kerbey Lane, party of 11, $3 migas: 3:30 a.m. - 5:30 a.m.
Crashing on one of the way-too-short couches in the Carothers lobby: 5:30 a.m. - 7:55 a.m.
Desk shift: 8:00 a.m. - 12:00 noon
Sleep: 12:10 p.m. - ???
Totally worth it.
Copy editing: 5:00 p.m. - 1:30 a.m. (ish)
Impromptu rooftop party on the roof of Walter Webb Hall, complete with accordion player: 1:30 a.m. - 3:00 a.m.
Kerbey Lane, party of 11, $3 migas: 3:30 a.m. - 5:30 a.m.
Crashing on one of the way-too-short couches in the Carothers lobby: 5:30 a.m. - 7:55 a.m.
Desk shift: 8:00 a.m. - 12:00 noon
Sleep: 12:10 p.m. - ???
Totally worth it.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Things I'm Excited About
Too much negativity lately. It's all I see in the news, in Daily Texan comment feeds, on Facebook statuses, just a constant barrage of bitching and criticism. The sheer volume of it just kills your spirit after a while. It's been a rough semester so far for multiple, unrelated reasons, but that doesn't mean I get to wallow in self-pity and subject others to it on a daily basis. I'm gonna change my tone for a minute and list things I'm excited about; maybe that'll help me start off the day right, for a change.
--Where the Wild Things Are opens this Friday. Trailer was awesome. Spike Jonze seems to know what he's doing with this one.
--A Serious Man - new Coen Brothers movie. I hear it's a downer, but they could take a shit on celluloid and I'd still pay nine bucks to watch it.
--The Office - Jim and Pam are getting married this Thursday. I'm aware they aren't real people, and I'm equally aware that it's not a real wedding. Really. I am. That doesn't stop me from pumping my fists and drumming on the nearest surface every time the promo comes on (gotta link this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnU9566Tfgo). Bottom line, this payoff's been five years in the making.
--weekend in Chicago - my dad and his twin brother are turning fifty on the 26th, so we're doing a big thing up in Chicago on the weekend of the 16th-18th to celebrate. Hanging out with the Jones side of the family is always a blast. In Austin, I'm a pseudo-adult. There, I'm just another cousin (that's a comforting regression, btw).
--my new job in the Quad - speaking of comforting regression, I picked up a CA job in the Quad eight hours a week. Being here is as close to feeling at home as I'm gonna find outside of Dallas.
I feel a little better already?
--Where the Wild Things Are opens this Friday. Trailer was awesome. Spike Jonze seems to know what he's doing with this one.
--A Serious Man - new Coen Brothers movie. I hear it's a downer, but they could take a shit on celluloid and I'd still pay nine bucks to watch it.
--The Office - Jim and Pam are getting married this Thursday. I'm aware they aren't real people, and I'm equally aware that it's not a real wedding. Really. I am. That doesn't stop me from pumping my fists and drumming on the nearest surface every time the promo comes on (gotta link this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnU9566Tfgo). Bottom line, this payoff's been five years in the making.
--weekend in Chicago - my dad and his twin brother are turning fifty on the 26th, so we're doing a big thing up in Chicago on the weekend of the 16th-18th to celebrate. Hanging out with the Jones side of the family is always a blast. In Austin, I'm a pseudo-adult. There, I'm just another cousin (that's a comforting regression, btw).
--my new job in the Quad - speaking of comforting regression, I picked up a CA job in the Quad eight hours a week. Being here is as close to feeling at home as I'm gonna find outside of Dallas.
I feel a little better already?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Conundrum
Dunno what's worse: thinking you're happy and later realizing you weren't (or at least shouldn't have been), or thinking at the time you were going through a rough patch and later considering that rough patch to be one of your better times. It's a shitty feeling either way.
Sending Katherine off to college at the end of the summer made me nostalgic for freshman year. Then I realized that I wouldn't do my freshman year on B2 over again if you paid me and that I just miss the general idea of freshman year of college.
Sending Katherine off to college at the end of the summer made me nostalgic for freshman year. Then I realized that I wouldn't do my freshman year on B2 over again if you paid me and that I just miss the general idea of freshman year of college.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Independence
I didn't realize how much I've gotten used to doing stuff on my own until moving back home. I had my own room in the dorms last year, from August to May, and that was fun, if a tad lonely at times. Mostly on weeknights and during the daytime on weekends. Lots of reading, lots of sudoku, lots of Facebook. Too much Facebook, probably. It was the same this summer. I lived with Sean, Joe, and Pad, but Joe and Pad worked all day and I worked at night, so we didn't cross paths as often as you'd think. Besides, whenever we were all in the apartment, we all just kind of let each other be. We all kinda did our own thing, sleep-wise, entertainment-wise, food-wise. We didn't force our presences on each other too often, if that makes sense.
I'm kind of used to being left alone, as sad as that sounds. I don't mind spending a Wednesday night making headway in a good book or a Friday night going to a movie by myself (like I did last Friday - (500) Days of Summer was phenomenal). If I end up hanging out with other people along the way, that's great, but I've stopped believing that that's what I have to do to be happy. It's too much effort, making plans night after night after night just to avoid being alone. Or maybe I've just gotten used to it after years of practice.
But being home, I can't do my own thing like I'm used to. I've gotten accustomed to never being bothered, so when I get interrupted every ten minutes to 'come look at this thoughtful newspaper article' or 'meet the new neighbor's fiance,' it just grates on me after a while. I know that part of coming home is having every aspect of your life called into question ("Do you always sleep this late?"), but it's such a 180 from the past year of my life that I feel on edge all the time. They seem to just want me to be there, to hang around downstairs and be around them. And I know they're my parents, and they love me, and I love them, and all that, but I'm a creature of solitude. It's less stressful.
Meh, whatever. I'm leaving a week from tomorrow. I can power through till then.
I'm kind of used to being left alone, as sad as that sounds. I don't mind spending a Wednesday night making headway in a good book or a Friday night going to a movie by myself (like I did last Friday - (500) Days of Summer was phenomenal). If I end up hanging out with other people along the way, that's great, but I've stopped believing that that's what I have to do to be happy. It's too much effort, making plans night after night after night just to avoid being alone. Or maybe I've just gotten used to it after years of practice.
But being home, I can't do my own thing like I'm used to. I've gotten accustomed to never being bothered, so when I get interrupted every ten minutes to 'come look at this thoughtful newspaper article' or 'meet the new neighbor's fiance,' it just grates on me after a while. I know that part of coming home is having every aspect of your life called into question ("Do you always sleep this late?"), but it's such a 180 from the past year of my life that I feel on edge all the time. They seem to just want me to be there, to hang around downstairs and be around them. And I know they're my parents, and they love me, and I love them, and all that, but I'm a creature of solitude. It's less stressful.
Meh, whatever. I'm leaving a week from tomorrow. I can power through till then.
Monday, August 3, 2009
From the archives.
Wrote this sophomore year of high school. Reading it now is weird, I can tell you that. What a difference five years makes. I want to either give my old self a hug or punch him in the face. Still a good bit of writing, though, I think.
Once, there was this kid. He wasn't really an unhappy kid, but sometimes things didn't go his way. He has a lot of people that know him, less that he calls friends, and even less that he calls good friends. He's not ignored or anything, he's not some kind of pariah. But whenever there's a party or some friends of his are getting together, for some reason they never call him to join in.
So here's this kid, living day by day, going to school, doing his homework, doing extracurriculars. He's not unhappy, again, but he's not really, truly happy. He knows that what would make him happy aren't good grades, or a scholarship to some college, but a group of really close friends that would just get him. Not a bunch of acquaintances that he's on good terms with, but people that he wouldn't hesitate for a second to call at 2 a.m. and ask some inane philosophical question. People who would drop pre-existing plans to hang out with him on a Saturday night. People who this usually quiet kid can actually talk around, because he knows that even if he says something stupid, he won't get made fun of and shut out for it.
One day, this kid goes to a Chinese restaurant. He gets a fortune cookie and opens it up. His fortune says, "You have the ability to touch the lives of many other people." Now, this really makes the kid think. He realizes that even if he doesn't have perfect happiness in his life right now, his mere presence might be making other people's lives a little bit better. The girl he comforts online when she needs some advice about her boyfriend. The guy who he helps with math homework during lunch. Being the “nice guy,” the dependable one, who's always willing to lend a hand. The kid realizes that maybe he's not destined to find happiness, true love, best friends. But maybe he's a catalyst. Maybe his purpose here on earth (and we all have one, I’m sure) is to make the lives of the people he knows better. In little ways, like holding a door, or maybe in big ways, like reconciling two fighting friends. Isn't that better, the kid ponders? Isn't it nice to know that you're out there doing good for people you love? That satisfaction of knowing that you did a good deed, as opposed to the different kind of satisfaction of knowing that your own life is complete?
Anyway, now this kid keeps that fortune in his wallet. He looks at it once in awhile to remind himself that his life isn't wasted. Even though he's got problems of his own, his mere existence makes peoples' lives better. And that makes him feel better for a while.
Once, there was this kid. He wasn't really an unhappy kid, but sometimes things didn't go his way. He has a lot of people that know him, less that he calls friends, and even less that he calls good friends. He's not ignored or anything, he's not some kind of pariah. But whenever there's a party or some friends of his are getting together, for some reason they never call him to join in.
So here's this kid, living day by day, going to school, doing his homework, doing extracurriculars. He's not unhappy, again, but he's not really, truly happy. He knows that what would make him happy aren't good grades, or a scholarship to some college, but a group of really close friends that would just get him. Not a bunch of acquaintances that he's on good terms with, but people that he wouldn't hesitate for a second to call at 2 a.m. and ask some inane philosophical question. People who would drop pre-existing plans to hang out with him on a Saturday night. People who this usually quiet kid can actually talk around, because he knows that even if he says something stupid, he won't get made fun of and shut out for it.
One day, this kid goes to a Chinese restaurant. He gets a fortune cookie and opens it up. His fortune says, "You have the ability to touch the lives of many other people." Now, this really makes the kid think. He realizes that even if he doesn't have perfect happiness in his life right now, his mere presence might be making other people's lives a little bit better. The girl he comforts online when she needs some advice about her boyfriend. The guy who he helps with math homework during lunch. Being the “nice guy,” the dependable one, who's always willing to lend a hand. The kid realizes that maybe he's not destined to find happiness, true love, best friends. But maybe he's a catalyst. Maybe his purpose here on earth (and we all have one, I’m sure) is to make the lives of the people he knows better. In little ways, like holding a door, or maybe in big ways, like reconciling two fighting friends. Isn't that better, the kid ponders? Isn't it nice to know that you're out there doing good for people you love? That satisfaction of knowing that you did a good deed, as opposed to the different kind of satisfaction of knowing that your own life is complete?
Anyway, now this kid keeps that fortune in his wallet. He looks at it once in awhile to remind himself that his life isn't wasted. Even though he's got problems of his own, his mere existence makes peoples' lives better. And that makes him feel better for a while.
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