Busy Busy Busy

I’ve decided that I like being busy. Sure, I’ll complain about it in conversation, talk about how many papers I don’t want to write or how many meetings I don’t want to go to, but the truth is, I like it when I have things to do. The alternative to having things to do is…well, not having anything to do, which is fun in very small doses. I’m always excited when the semester ends and I get to go home because it means no responsibilities, complete freedom, well deserved vegging. It’s great for about twenty-four hours. I’ll lounge around the house, watch TV, put on a movie, maybe head over to Starbucks, and then I’ll realize, “This sucks.”

We define our lives by how we occupy our time. I’m a student – I go to class, I write papers, I study for tests. I’m an RA – I work the desk, go on rounds, chat with residents. I used to be an actor – I’ve spent more hours in the UCPA and in Parlin than I could even begin to count. I’m a musician (an aspiring one, anyway) – I write songs in my spare time, put them to music on my keyboard, even record them occasionally down at DJ’s studio. I’m a reader – I read. I’m a writer – I write. You get the idea.

My problem is that I’m a very bad self-motivator; I always have been. The more time I have to do something, the less likely I am to do it. I keep telling myself, “I have plenty of time, I’ll do it later. It’s only one chapter. That’ll take like thirty minutes, tops. I’ll do it after lunch.” Three guesses on whether I ever get around to it. My productivity (and, correlatively, my grades) spikes during hell week of whatever show I happen to be in because I just don’t have the time to procrastinate. I get everything done on time, sometimes early, because I can’t do it later. Go figure. I feel worthwhile, I feel like I’m getting things accomplished. Obviously, weeks like these come at the expense of both sleep and sanity, but man, am I productive.

And yeah, when it’s all over, I’m burnt out and exhausted, but thinking about it, that’s no worse than the excruciating boredom that occurs during June and July and random Thursday afternoons when I’m done with homework but no one else is. It’s amazing how much effort the smallest things seem to take when there’s nothing else to do. “I finally have time to check out that book, but that means walking all the way over to the library. Meh.” “I can see that new movie, but that means looking up times, wrangling people to go, driving to the theater, paying eight bucks, etc.” “I could turn on the TV, but the remote’s all the way over there. Not quite worth it.” The boredom is so pervasive that it makes even these minute attempts at entertainment seem insurmountable, let alone anything legitimately exciting like catching a bus downtown to go exploring.

I think that last semester was as horrible as it was due to all my free time and my lack of activities to fill it with. Outwardly, I bragged about my one class on Tuesday/Thursday and how it was over at 11:00 a.m., but in reality, I dreaded going back to the dorm because I knew the rest of the day was going to go downhill from there. I read a lot, I slept a lot, I talked with Sean and Rey a lot, but in retrospect, I feel like I don’t have anything to show, tangible or otherwise, for that entire five-month period. When I have free time, I don’t do anything, when I don’t do anything, I don’t know how I define myself, and when I don’t know how I define myself, that’s a slippery slope that took me a while to come back from.

But anyway, in the same vein as my original point, I’m extraordinarily busy this semester, and I like it. With the combination of RA stuff, maintaining a social life, and Plan II Physics, I barely have time to crap. Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays are all eight-hour days before I even get to homework. Thursdays are a little better, only five hours. Friday and Saturday are my chilling-out days, and Sunday is my homework day. There are random nooks and crannies of spare time to amble around the Quad or hang out with an off-campus friend (late nights, right after my last class of the day, etc.), but for the most part, my time is booked, and I couldn’t be happier.

Tonight, for example, I still have to write my weekly RA report and read a chapter of my Comm textbook. I can stay up as late as I need to because my first class isn’t till noon tomorrow, but I’ve spent all day working the desk, reading for my Holocaust class (crazy interesting, crazy depressing), reading for Physics, and attempting the new problem set with Aubrey and Saul over dinner. I keep wanting to call someone at 1:00 a.m. for an impromptu Kerbey Lane run, but it might get to the point where I have to make time for such a spontaneous event in my schedule. Bummer.

But at least I don’t define myself as a Lostpedia fact-checker anymore.